Having watched this video about 15-20 minutes ago where this guy lost his partner, it has (again) occurred to me that I have this repressed desire to be in a relationship. Not because I need someone to be with to pass time, not for validation. I miss the feeling of being loved, being depended on to bring another person happiness. The joy I derive from waking up next someone I couldn’t live without.
I haven’t felt that in almost 4 years now. Now - in the days where I feel I need that companionship the most - I have equal parts fear and distrust coursing through my mind. I often fear that i”ll be alone forever. I don’t trust my feelings. I don’t sit up crying about it, but it is sobering to think that the love I want will never exist.
I’m not asking for much. I just want someone dependable, nerdy and short, lol. That’s all. If someone had told me the good times were from 2004-2008. I’d have probably not taken them for granted.
I’m optimistic about my love fortunes, but I’m also realistic. I know I may never capture that high I’m so desperately seeking. That person who makes me rearrange plans, that makes me not answer other folks’ texts. The person to quell the fire in my heart when I have a shitty day at work. The one I tell my weird thoughts to and they don’t give me that blank stare…
Life is alright for a change. I’m losing weight. Still haven’t stumbled into love, but hey, I guess all things fall into place, yes?
I notice the crux of my posts here are negative /angry. And that’s alright. Had to get that shit out of my system.
“Listen, no one is born better. It’s not decided who gets to wear expensive clothes, come to expensive places and eat. It all depends on you. If you want to live like that, don’t be scared. as soon as you’re scared in this world, you’re done. - gang u (Myung wol the spy)
I’ll pull ya whole deck , fuck pullin ya card. And still take my guitar and take a walk in the park.
I find myself questioning quite a bit lately. Government, society, organized religion. I feel let down by these institutions.
The government can’t seem to stop holding shit hostage and leaving us dangling for survival.
Society is just one big fucking letdown. We are all interested in self-preservation at the cost of EVERYTHING else. Everything seems so individual and “fuck you if you ain’t me”. This really makes it hard for me to get close to anyone I don’t already know, because I’m constantly questioning their motives. Also, the premium we place on the dumbest shit continues to amaze me. Furthermore, I STILL find myself feeling like an outlier because of my lifestyle (what i would self-describe as a straight-bisexual hybrid) my ethnicity (Black), my gender (male), my interests (varied and wide ranging). Society’s inability to acknowledge anything different makes me fucking sad.
Organized religion. I don’t so much have an issue with religion itself - its the manner in which people use it, manipulate it, mold it to fit an argument. Christianity seems to be the driving force behind a lot of discrimination, murder, mayhem, hypocrisy etc. I just really don’t know If I can align myself with something that cannot acknowledge all that it is.