Black Napoleon Chronicles

5am in Raytown (No Aubrey Graham)

Sun, 09 Jun 2013 06:21:16 -0400

Having watched this video about 15-20 minutes ago where this guy lost his partner, it has (again) occurred to me that I have this repressed desire to be in a relationship. Not because I need someone to be with to pass time, not for validation. I miss the feeling of being loved, being depended on to bring another person happiness. The joy I derive from waking up next someone I couldn’t live without.

I haven’t felt that in almost 4 years now. Now - in the days where I feel I need that companionship the most - I have equal parts fear and distrust coursing through my mind. I often fear that i”ll be alone forever. I don’t trust my feelings. I don’t sit up crying about it, but it is sobering to think that the love I want will never exist.

I’m not asking for much. I just want someone dependable, nerdy and short, lol. That’s all. If someone had told me the good times were from 2004-2008. I’d have probably not taken them for granted.

I’m optimistic about my love fortunes, but I’m also realistic. I know I may never capture that high I’m so desperately seeking. That person who makes me rearrange plans, that makes me not answer other folks’ texts. The person to quell the fire in my heart when I have a shitty day at work. The one I tell my weird thoughts to and they don’t give me that blank stare…

This woman took my entire 2006 by storm. She is everything.

Fri, 31 May 2013 02:16:20 -0400

This woman took my entire 2006 by storm. She is everything.

Life is alright for a change. I’m losing weight. Still haven’t stumbled into love, but...

Fri, 31 May 2013 01:36:15 -0400

Life is alright for a change. I’m losing weight. Still haven’t stumbled into love, but hey, I guess all things fall into place, yes?

I notice the crux of my posts here are negative /angry. And that’s alright. Had to get that shit out of my system.

mini pancakes.

Mon, 13 May 2013 20:07:45 -0400

mini pancakes.

manogelis: Minnesota becomes the 12th state to legalize...

Mon, 13 May 2013 19:57:33 -0400

manogelis:

Minnesota becomes the 12th state to legalize same-sex marriage! 37-30.
Soo proud of my state!! Marriage equality for all!

angelcurls91: “Listen, no one is born better. It’s not decided...

Mon, 13 May 2013 19:57:09 -0400

angelcurls91:

“Listen, no one is born better. It’s not decided who gets to wear expensive clothes, come to expensive places and eat. It all depends on you. If you want to live like that, don’t be scared. as soon as you’re scared in this world, you’re done. - gang u (Myung wol the spy)

swami227: love is all around #equality #time4marriage #meow

Mon, 13 May 2013 19:57:02 -0400

swami227:

love is all around #equality #time4marriage #meow

"I’ll pull ya whole deck , fuck pullin ya card. And still take my guitar and take a walk in the..."

Fri, 03 May 2013 18:58:13 -0400

“I’ll pull ya whole deck , fuck pullin ya card. And still take my guitar and take a walk in the park.”

- Andre L. Benjamin

Questions Existing

Wed, 01 May 2013 16:53:14 -0400

I find myself questioning quite a bit lately. Government, society, organized religion. I feel let down by these institutions.

The government can’t seem to stop holding shit hostage and leaving us dangling for survival.

Society is just one big fucking letdown. We are all interested in self-preservation at the cost of EVERYTHING else. Everything seems so individual and “fuck you if you ain’t me”. This really makes it hard for me to get close to anyone I don’t already know, because I’m constantly questioning their motives. Also, the premium we place on the dumbest shit continues to amaze me. Furthermore, I STILL find myself feeling like an outlier because of my lifestyle (what i would self-describe as a straight-bisexual hybrid) my ethnicity (Black), my gender (male), my interests (varied and wide ranging). Society’s inability to acknowledge anything different makes me fucking sad.

Organized religion. I don’t so much have an issue with religion itself - its the manner in which people use it, manipulate it, mold it to fit an argument. Christianity seems to be the driving force behind a lot of discrimination, murder, mayhem, hypocrisy etc. I just really don’t know If I can align myself with something that cannot acknowledge all that it is.

moboot: I can’t think of any girl who likes girls that doesn’t...

Sat, 20 Apr 2013 02:28:17 -0400

moboot:

I can’t think of any girl who likes girls that doesn’t love Rachel Maddow.

I love Rachel Maddow. All day long.

there is word for this. i can’t find it.

Sat, 20 Apr 2013 02:14:33 -0400

there is word for this. i can’t find it.

Photo

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 23:02:26 -0400

smissmas-miracle: I have to make a presentation for my Natural...

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 22:25:39 -0400

smissmas-miracle:

I have to make a presentation for my Natural Sciences class tomorrow. Naturally, as I am going to an HBCU and tomorrow is the first day of black history month, we had to choose black scientists.

I chose Mae Jemison, because she’s an absolute badass.

This is my presentation.

(Except the ‘babe’ slide, I just wanted to let it be known on Tumblr that Mae Jemison was hot.)

Hopefully it doesn’t get me in trouble.

Enjoy.

Greatness.

Gloom Is good

Sat, 09 Mar 2013 19:28:41 -0500

Gloomy days are the greatest days for music. Ones such as these. Kansas City + gloomy day + Amy Winehouse, Sade or Anita Baker = A Win

you got the love? nope.

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 23:59:15 -0500

every time i hear Florence + The Machine, i go to a rather special place in my mind. the time i developed real feelings for him. and that son of a bitch didn’t return the favor. i had never felt this type of heartbreak; i know heartbreak knows no sexual orientation, but this felt way different than the time Hayley minced my heart up into a couple thousand pieces. i cannot figure out why.

all i know, is there was something my mind connected with there. and as soon as those feelings started, there went the object of those feelings out of my life. that crushing, suffocating feeling. like my mind went into paralysis. calls unanswered and texts left unread. i have perpetuated unrequited feelings over the years and i have been a victim of unrequited love plenty of times, but never felt as hurt as i did. it was a silent hurt - i didn’t cry, there was no outward emotion. but my insides were ablaze…

Didn't I Almost Have It All?

Fri, 14 Dec 2012 00:13:50 -0500

I am to a point where I don’t even know if I would rather be chronically jaded or have a plethora of situational depression episodes. I know there is a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, but there is something in the way. Not quite sure if it is myself, another person, or some non-human, intangible entity. There is nothing I want more than to be happy. I don’t know if he’s gonna make that happen for me, she’s gonna make that happen for me, or if IT is going to make me happy. Hell, I don’t even know if he, she or it even exists.

I felt like I was on my way at the beginning of 2012, felt like I almost had it all. And in the course of 2 months, it was ripped away. Spending the last 5 months of the year trying to regroup was not my idea. However, I have to dust myself and not become a slave to my heart. Because I know as much as anyone, when I let my heart enslave my thoughts, I become a desperate shell of myself. I reckon my heart would love that. My sanity, however, is not exactly fond of the chains of love&war anymore. He is tired of fighting a war in which he only gains Pyrrhic victories.

So am I. So. Am. I.

i should have come out earlier in life.

Wed, 28 Nov 2012 16:36:54 -0500

i should have come out earlier in life.

I’ve never had a night like this movie. I’d kill for...

Sat, 24 Nov 2012 01:22:59 -0500

I’ve never had a night like this movie. I’d kill for one night like this…

This is what makes my life so lovely. The random crossing of souls . I wasn’t even aware who you...

Fri, 23 Nov 2012 22:52:02 -0500

This is what makes my life so lovely. The random crossing of souls . I wasn’t even aware who you were a week ago; now, I’ve spent some valuable time with you. I don’t know what this is - then again , why do I need to define it? I think that’s been my problem; as much as I loathe labels , I have tried to put a label on every extended interaction I’ve had with anybody with mixed results. I have no idea what I want. I don’t wanna hurt anyone. I just want to live life and figure it out. Live in the moment for a change…

TipsyRantLife

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 22:51:57 -0400

I may just be a little under the influence of hops and barley , but I just want to say I’m feeling a little optimistic about 2013. I wanna date again . I’m tired of being people’s fuckstick - it’s getting old.

And that’s not really helping anything but my cardiovascular health. I have sex and I’m left feeling unfulfilled afterwards. But I’m not settling for some poobutt just so i can say im cuffed. I really want someone that is way in tune with my personality, accepts me for ME. I haven’t felt whole in a relationship since 2008. I haven’t been in a relationship since 2010… So yeah. I really just am feeling that loneliness. Fucking 2 , almost 3 years of wasted nights.

Folk just don’t know - I’d give you my damn liver and kidneys as well as my life if I’m your significant other . Y’all ain’t hearing me though . No one ever does … *shrug life*